2009 Projected Standings (Batman)

In the past two years, we've gotten Lost in a galaxy far, far away, as we've tried to predict the twists and turns of the NFL season. This year, we aren't playing around any more. We are here to crack some skulls and bring swift justice to the NFL. That's right, we are looking for a dark tone this year. With that, we give you the NFL in 2009...Batman style.

Prediction	AFC East	Batman Character
Patriots 13-3		Clooney Batman: Looked like the hero, but the nipply batsuit was creepy and evil.
Bills 7-9		Killer Croc: A classic case of alligator arms.
Dolphins 6-10		Mr. Freeze: Scares no one, but we can't stop staring at it.
Jets 4-12		Young Bruce Wayne: Too inexperienced to hurt the real villains yet
Prediction	AFC North	Batman Character
Steelers 11-5		Keaton Batman: Hard to argue with the success, but that doesn't mean we have to like it.
Ravens 10-6		The Joker: Crazy is written all over his face.
Bengals 6-10		The Scarecrow: Equal parts disturbing and hilarious.
Browns 5-11		Chirs O'Donnel Robin: Sexy is not the same as talented
Prediction	AFC South	Batman Character
Colts 12-4		The Dark Knight: The hero we deserve and the hero we need.
Texans 10-6		Poison Ivy (BTAS): Hard to resist the temptation
Titans 9-7		Bane: Worthy enemy known mostly for his physical prowess.
Jaguars 6-10		Cat woman: No one goes to see them. Destined to get screwed by Batman
Prediction	AFC West	Batman Character
Chargers 14-2		Commissioner Gordon: Good at his job, but not nearly as interesting as Batman
Chiefs 9-7		Harley Quinn: Not as brilliant as the originally criminally insane clown.
Raiders 5-11		Alfred (Batman and Robin): Old man who keeps on helping out Batman. Frankly, the relationship disturbs me.
Broncos 4-12		Two Face (Batman Forever): A disaster from the moment we laid eyes on it.
Prediction	NFC East	Batman Character
Giants 11-5		Mr. and Mrs. Wayne: Tragically gunned down. The survivor never recovered.
Eagles 11-5		Manbat: The victim of a lame experiment gone horribly wrong
Cowboys 7-9		The Mad Hatter: Believes he is the protagonist of the story, but can't nail the ending.
Redskins 6-10		The Ventriloquist: No matter whose lips are moving, we know who is pulling the strings
Prediction	NFC North	Batman Character
Bears 12-4		Clayface: Remarkably transformed, strong and adaptable
Vikings 8-8		Batman (Adam West): Old and dated. Lingering scent of cheese
Packers 7-9		Bruce Wayne: Batman without the hero complex
Lions 6-10		Penguin (Batman Returns): Disgusting...if you bother to watch
Prediction	NFC South	Batman Character
Saints 10-6		Batman Squirt Gun: Truly frightening weapon. We aren't sure what it is good for.
Panthers 7-9		The Henchmen: Interchangeable parts deliver a beating, but won't ensure victory.
Falcons 6-10		Robin: Young. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but gets worse as things move along.
Bucs 5-11		The Riddler (TV): A lot more questions than answers
Prediction	NFC West	Batman Character
Seahawks 10-6		Old Batman (The Dark Knight Returns): He's back...but he's showing his age.
Rams 8-8		Nicole Kidman as Chase Meridan: Totally out of place on this list. Not at all where you would expect to find them.
Cardinals 6-10		Rachel Dawes: Rises from mediocrity only to die a painful death
49ers 5-11		Batgirl: A thinly veiled excuse to dress up in tights

Comments (39) Add Comment

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written by Monkey Business, September 10, 2009

Texans: Poison Ivy
"Seductive and effective villain, but never seems to close the deal."

Just a thought.

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written by DZ, September 10, 2009

We have a line for her, it was messed up on IE in a coding mistake.

I like yours though... good.

Nice work.
written by Westside-Rob, September 10, 2009

I was hoping for Star Trek, but Batman was a great choice.

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written by DZ, September 10, 2009

I thought about it. Maybe next year.

Perfect
written by Doug England, September 10, 2009

I love the Batman theme. If just for the fact that the Clooney Batman for the Pats was perfect.

In homage to "Heaven Can Wait"
written by Doug England, September 10, 2009

Since it's my post, I'm casting myself in the Warren Beatty role:

Reporter: So Doug, what do you think about the Colt's chances this year?

Me: I think we are going to the Super Bowl, and I think we are going to win.

Report: No, seriously, off the record.

Me: Off the record... I think we are going to the Super Bowl and I think we are going to win.

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written by DemondSanders, September 10, 2009

Heaven Can Wait... nice... also known as the most recent movie that TCM is allowed to air.

...too true
written by Doug England, September 10, 2009

If you mean the 1943 version.

Hilarious!
written by smonroe, September 10, 2009

And strange! Probably the most unique analysis for NFL predictions that I've seen so far. Although a few years ago a guy in my fantasy league compared all the teams with pro wrestlers.

Lost in the entertainment was your predictions for wins for the Chiefs (9). I'll take the under bet on that one and spot you 4 games (unless you're counting wins against the spread).

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written by DZ, September 10, 2009

Someone in that division HAS to win some games. Denver is horrible. Oakland is horrible. There's maybe 3 or 4 wins for KC right there.

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written by skywalker, September 11, 2009

Batman is perfect just for the fact that there are sooo many characters to use. Also if you believe the Scarecrow to be disturbing AND hilarious i think you should play the new batman video game. quite the opposite lol.

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written by Derek, September 11, 2009

Damn fine post.

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written by MR, September 11, 2009

I just can't understand the Chargers hype.

They were 8-8 last year, they have another year of Norvbit, I don't know why anyone is buying the resurgence of LT (him getting hurt helped the team last year)...I just don't see it.

What about that teams focus last year in managing to take a 13-3 talent level team in a bad division with at least 5 built in wins and probably more like six and turning it into 8-8?

14-2 is a crazy high number for them to me.

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written by BH, September 11, 2009

The Bears - a team with no receivers and a horribly dated defense at 12-4? Nuts! Meanwhile, Favre being old means Adrian Peterson is irrelevant why?

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written by DZ, September 11, 2009

RE: Bears, Chargers, and Vikings. We based all predictions on a combo of three things:
1. The footballoutsiders DVOA system and projected wins
2. Pythagorean wins
3. Looking at the schedule

So we don't believe in the Vikings because running backs, even great ones, aren't necessarily that important. Peterson alone won't win as many games as Favre and Childress lose. You can't play a running/defensive type of game with a turnover prone QB. It doesn't work.

The Chargers schedule is insanely easy. I don't think they are great, but I think they play some horrible teams.

I love what the Bears have done and don't think WRs are nearly as important as QBs.

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written by DemondSanders, September 11, 2009

For the record I let DZ pick the records, because I'm lazy. I would have had the Falcons, Vikings, and Pack higher. The rest is on the money... maybe the Chargers are a bit high, but they should win all six division games.

9-7 Titans?
written by TitanUpSon, September 11, 2009

This isnt 05. I'd be suprised it they lose another game....losing the the SB Champs by 3 in OT isnt a horrid way to open the season...

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written by DZ, September 11, 2009

The numbers say otherwise. The Titans over performed last year and lost their best player.

We didn't make these picks based on just opinion. They were a bit "lucky" last year, and the numbers say they come back to earth.

I watched the game last night. I saw nothing that made me change my mind about them.

Wow
written by the K, September 12, 2009

OK, great job, this is by far the funniest NFL preview I read this year.

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written by Indiana Jim, September 12, 2009

Niner fan living in Southern Indiana. Loved the post. Wonderful job. Don't fall asleep on the Niners, though! They won't walk into Lucas Oil and come out with a win, but they're tougher than you think!

The tights thing was awesome. nice.

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written by LBTS, September 13, 2009

I appreciate all the time it took to put this in place. Great job guys!

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written by Hamish , September 14, 2009

wow Chicago and Rams that high, really? where you on crack when you did these rankings

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written by Anonymous Lee, September 14, 2009

11-5 / 12-4 and once again one-and-done in the playoffs. Batboy dies a slow death. Indy indeed got what they deserve.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow
written by Bob M, September 30, 2009

How did I miss this a couple weeks ago?

Very nice reading. Kudos for inventing the word nipply. Now, uninvent it, please. The squirt gun is truly baffling. Frank Gorshen rocked! And on NO day does anyone need an excuse to show me a picture of Lee Meriweather in... whatever the hell she was wearing back then. Years (and years) ago at a party a lesbian friend and I started talking about the TV series and then "argued" about who would get Batgirl if she walked into the room. Apparently she was a big fan as well. Thankfully, Ms Meriweather didn't show and we avoided fisticuffs....

Hindsight is 20-20
written by Davekan, October 05, 2009

Hard to believe the Broncos are going to lose the last 12 games in a row...bummer...

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written by DZ, October 05, 2009

Nope, but they will lose their next 7 in a row at least.

Still not believing them.

Not even a little.

WRONG
written by You are an idiot, November 05, 2009

This list is terrible, you had absolutely no idea what you were talking about.

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written by DZ, November 05, 2009

classy.

lol

Where did you come up with these numbers?
written by Larry Johnson, November 05, 2009

Seriously. The Chiefs at 9-7? C'mon........you a fag or something?

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written by DZ, November 05, 2009

Learn to read. The numbers were derived largely from looking at Pythagorean wins and the numbers of Footballoutsiders.

Oh, and the Broncos go 4-12?
written by Josh McDaniels, November 05, 2009

Remind me not to let you guys place any bets for me.

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written by DZ, November 05, 2009

It's nice you Broncos fans get so bent out of shape over a prediction column using cartoon characters.

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written by Frizzlefry, November 05, 2009

Wow.
you were all sorts of wrong

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written by DZ, November 06, 2009

Can't anyone figure out the point was to be funny more than to be right? Besides that, I have 5 of the 8 division leaders correct right now, and I wouldn't be stunned if the Giants or Chargers storm back to win theirs.

Because, no. I still don't buy the Broncos.

so...
written by vintagephoenix, November 25, 2009

where are all the Bronco fans now?

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written by DZ, November 25, 2009

I must admit, I happily chuckled out loud at that.

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written by vintagephoenix, November 26, 2009

honestly, if they hadn't gotten so personal, I'd leave it alone. Damn it, this stuff was funny. I used to laugh at "Lord help our Colts" even after depressing losses. I would lol like crazy at this if I were a Bengals fan.

Not to be mean, well i suppose i shall be
written by BIG BOSS BATALIA, December 07, 2009

Someone obliviously needs to brush up on not only their football knowledge but also their batman knowledge. First off if you study your football information before posting this you would of learned more to put up better numbers seriously the Denver Broncos as Two Face "A disaster from the moment we laid eyes on it." listen buddy they are far from 4-12 they are 8-4, and as for your batman knowledge lets just say someone needs to have a movie night.

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written by DZ, December 08, 2009

Sigh. For the one millionth time:

DENVER IS A FRAUD. Yes, they are 8-4 but I'm not buying them.

And if you think Two Face in Batman forever was anything but a train wreck, I suggest you are the one who needs the movie night.