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Written by Nate Dunlevy
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Friday, 05 December 2008 07:06 |
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We asked ourselves, "How should we present our predictions for the season?" Using Star Wars characters was the obvious answer. Actually, Star Wars is the answer to most important questions.
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Prediction
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AFC EAST
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Star Wars Character
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Result?
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| New England
11 - 5
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Emperor Palpatine
Keeps Darth Vader (below) on a tight leash. Used to be terrifying, but now is just old and wrinkled.
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As evil as ever.
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| New York
10 - 6
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Darth Maul
The threatening apprentice. Knows what he's doing, but will still end up sliced in half at the bottom of a reactor shaft.
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Count Dooku: Wound up unable to throw the ball.
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| Buffalo
6 - 10
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Biggs
He was right there until the end, then he blew up.
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See the Dallas game (Week 5).
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Miami
5 - 11
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Jar Jar
Bumbling moron.
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"The ability to speak doesn't make you intelligent."
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Prediction
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AFC NORTH
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Star Wars Character
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Result? |
| Baltimore
12 - 4
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The Death Star
Incredible defense against a large scale attack, but has a tendency to implode.
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Droid Control Station: Same basic idea, much less effective.
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| Pittsburgh
10 - 6
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Sebulba
Wins a lot of pod races, but has been known to cheat. The shot at another title was undone by an ugly crash.
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Fell apart at the finish line.
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| Cincinnati
10 - 6
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Crix Madine
Imprisoned, but he broke out just in time to lead a major offensive.
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Super Battle Droid: Big guns, but was ripped apart by anyone competant.
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Cleveland
3 - 13
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Jawas
They are small, brown, and constantly trading for junk.
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Ewok: Small, brown, and moderately effective.
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Prediction
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AFC SOUTH
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Star Wars Character
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Result? |
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Colts
11 - 5
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Luke Skywalker
You aren't sure he is going to get it done in the end, but you can't imagine the story ending any other way.
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Cut off his hand? No problem, he'll replace it.
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| Jaguars
10 - 6
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Salacious Crumb
Sort of menacing at first glance, but easily defeated by lesser heroes.
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Gammorrean Guard: Huge and fearsome, wields an axe.
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| Houston
6 - 10
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Bantha
Slow moving herd animals who are easily mastered.
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Still at the back of the pack.
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| Tennessee
6 - 10
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Admiral Piett
Competent leadership that is constantly failed by its underlings.
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Grand Moff Tarkin: Deserves a promotion.
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Prediction
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AFC WEST
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Star Wars Character
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Result? |
| Chargers
14 - 2
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Darth Vader
Very frightening, but never lived up to its incredible potential.
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Not as good as he could have been.
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| Denver
9 - 7
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Admiral Ackbar
A brilliant strategist who always seems to fall into traps.
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Couldn't "repell firepower of that magnitude." Probably should have retreated.
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| Kansas City
6 - 10
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Taun Taun
You have to be careful because they'll let you ride them to death.
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"And I thought they smelled bad on the outside."
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| Oakland
3 - 13
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Storm troopers
They may look tough, but they aren't.
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Shows signs of life, but still folds when it counts.
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Prediction
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NFC EAST
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Star Wars Character
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Result? |
| Dallas
11 - 5
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Young Obi-Wan
Has talented protégées, but it all could go horribly wrong.
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Time to get a worried look and say, "That's no moon."
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| Philadelphia
10 - 6
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Mace Windu
Nearly defeated the Emperor. (Also McNabb would look badass wielding a purple lightsaber.)
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"This party's over."
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| New York
8 - 8
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Princess Leia
Sibling of the chosen one.
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An underdeveloped talent.
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Washington
7 - 9
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Jabba
Rich and bloated.
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Still a formidable opponent.
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Prediction
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NFC NORTH
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Star Wars Character
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Result?
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| Chicago
12 - 4
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Anakin
Brash and talented, but has no arm.
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Evil Anakin: Too much bad Rex.
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| Minnesota
6 - 10
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Mon Mothma
Really, really boring.
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AT-AT: Mammoth ground weapon that goes down surprisingly easy.
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| Green Bay
6 - 10
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Yoda
Green and 800 years old.
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Dueling Yoda: Regained some former glory, but still sort of limps around.
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| Detroit
6 - 10
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Admiral Ozzel
"He is as clumsy as he is stupid."
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Same bad result despite flashes of brilliance.
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Prediction
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NFC SOUTH
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Star Wars Character
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Result? |
| New Orleans
12 - 4
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Wedge
His presence is nearly inexplicable, but he's going to be there in the end.
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Porkins: Too slow on the defense.
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| Carolina
7 - 9
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Millennium Falcon
A favorite of everyone's, but may break down at exactly the wrong time.
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Refurbished, but too many old parts.
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| Tampa Bay
3 - 13
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The Naboo Squadron
Lots of pilots, none of them any good.
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X-Wing Squadron: Found some good piloting after all.
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| Atlanta
2 - 14
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Han Solo frozen in carbonite
You couldn't be more screwed.
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"He's alive and in perfect hibernation."
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Prediction
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NFC WEST
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Star Wars Character
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Result?
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| Seattle
10 - 6
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The planet Kamino
Wet, rainy and wet.
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Snow-speeder: Always in the air. Could have trouble adapting to the cold.
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| St. Louis
9 - 7
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Kit Fisto
Impressive looking warrior who is too easily defeated by the dark side.
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Zam Wessel: Too injured to fight back.
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| Arizona
9 - 7
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Slave Princess Leia
Always the sexy pick, but ends up choking you to death.
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Everyone will love them again next year.
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| San Francisco
6 - 10
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Bail Organa
A rich lineage in formal attire.
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Noble stand at the end hurt the empire.
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